Post Mortem

Darling Joe

Today we saw our consultant, to try and find out why you died.

Basically my placenta was too small (about half the size it should have been) to sustain you to term, and had unbeknownst to us also sustained some damage during the pregnancy (this being my first ever pregnancy without bleeding this was a real surprise).

However you and the placenta were doing pretty well until suddenly the demand on the placenta was too great and some catastrophic failure of placental oxygen supply occurred. It was unusual in that the placenta appears to have undergone an acute failure, rather than a slow, chronic one. This may also explain why nothing was picked up in the scans we had. It wasn't that I wasn't listening darling. I couldn't hear you.

Given the above, it is highly unlikely you would have been delivered anywhere near term. Our best case scenario for you IF somehow the issue had been picked up may have been a premature delivery c 28 weeks, with accompanying risks and issues, but in reality you were not going to make it as we had hoped. I'm devastated for you, my little boy.

We don't know why the placenta was so poor. Foundations for placentas are formed in the first trimester, and all the things which Daddy and I have been beating ourselves up about were not in play then.

It's likely with my pregnancy history that even though my test results keep coming back clear I have some issue on the autoimmune/clotting spectrum which simply hasn't been found yet. That being the case I would be treated with even more drugs in the event of a future pregnancy - stepping up from aspirin to Heparin injections from the first heartbeat detection.

Ah yes, future pregnancies. There is no reason why I shouldn't try again, though obviously the already-long list of risk factors I had has increased. I would also be treated as at risk of pre-eclampsia, though my consultant and I agree I did not have it this time; the blood pressure issues I had appear to have been my body's reaction to losing you, though obviously I would be monitored more closely.

Daddy and I still need to think about all this though. I feel guilty for putting you through this through my own selfishness at wanting you, knowing now how your stars were set from the start.

My consultant says that if I did fall pregnant again, I could have a different (hopefully competent) booking in midwife. I would be allowed another elective caesarian section despite my labour with you. Although I could choose to go to another hospital, there is no other local hospital which has any more provision for high-risk pregnancies of my kind, so I am unlikely to change.

I raised a lot of the issues which arose during our admissions and I've been gently encouraged to write them down and send them to my consultant to be raised. It was a very emotional appointment. I hope to do this at some point.

My son has died.

I'm here, a week before the date we had pencilled in for your arrival by section, and I don't have you with me.

We picked up your ashes today. Such a tiny amount.

We saw you in the blue blue sky, and heard you in the warm whispering wind.

We're heartbroken again. We're heartbroken still.

Mummy x