Struggling

I am struggling, Joe.

I'm 21+3 and even best case scenario I'm looking at another 4 months of this. Of course worst case scenario I'm looking at not having 4 months more of this and that would also be horrible too, although, and this will sound terrible and bite me on the arse if anything happens to your brother, right now, today, the anxiety and the not knowing feels a worse prospect.

I've been doing okay so far, getting on with being pregnant for what will be the last time. Physically I've been fine, just tired. I knew emotionally this would be difficult, and get more difficult as things go on, but I didn't really 'know' - I'm already wearing this great leaden overcoat 24h a day of fear, and anxiety, and dread, and frustration with it all.

I don't think I realised how bad it was till yesterday, when I went to get my hair cut. My lovely hairdresser was giving my head a massage and I just felt so light, like the weight was off my shoulders for 5 mins, and I wanted to cry because till then I hadn't quite realised what I was carrying.

I don't do pregnancy easily, never have. This time I have the added voodoo ritual of pills and an injection every evening, it feels like I'm warding away bad news every night. I'm tired, but who isn't, though I know it doesn't help.

I'm starting to get breathless already - with you I had some heart investigations begun and although nothing was found before you died I do still wonder if there's something there, or maybe something contributed, though of course nothing has ever been linked. It's just another reminder. I know I can discuss this with my consultant and will do, but it's another straw.
We've got the anomoly scan next week, another milestone that I'm fearful of, especially as they'll be looking at my doppler flows too. not that they can do anything - until 24w my baby can't be saved even if there is anything wrong anyway, and anyway we all know how that turned out last time don't we, the viable marker is just another day in the diary and means nothing if the baby doesn't come home anyway.

The baby doesn't move much. He ferrets himself away and hides for much of the day, and yesterday I had the doppler out twice to check. Not even a bottle of Coke shifted him till he was good and ready. This doesn't help.

So all in all I think I'm just processing, and checking, and expecting, and preparing, 24 bloody hours a day and I'm exhausted.

In the spirit of my counselling course I shared all this last night and Daddy, the poor soul, proceeded to say exactly the wrong things in response. Having to tell him what I need to hear is just one more load, can anyone wonder why I keep it all inside? Still, he knows better next time.

I know no-one can take this off my shoulders but I don't think many people understand just how seriously I wish I could go to sleep and wake up to a baby in 4 months' time, or even the bargains I'd make just to know how this is going to turn out, or even the compromises I would be willing to try and make to get the baby out pre-term if it were possible to balance baby's health with mine, which sounds so selfish but I'm struggling and I don't know what the baby will have left of me by June.

It is good to write it down somewhere.

Mummy x