Update

Dear Joe,

We've had a strange few days.

On Monday, your brother was 29+6 which was when you were born. It was a difficult date to get through, and in some ways it's great to have got past that, but in others the feeling of borrowed time and insecurity is even greater now, every day.

On Wednesday I met with someone form the local perinatal mental health team and we have a care plan in place. I have a recommendation to stay in hospital for as long as the baby is there, a side room if one's available, and a MHT member to visit me ASAP after birth.

I've been to the DAU twice this week for monitoring. Monday's was fine, but Thursday's was a very difficult experience as the CTG kept losing contact with his heartbeat, and also recording what looked like worrying decelerations. Unfortunately the midwife tried to sign me off quickly after a first set of traces, until I broke down in tears and pointed out the issues there had been and she to her credit backtracked completely, hooked me up again, got a consultant to check through the traces etc so I could leave feeling slightly more reassured.

Unfortunately during the second trace your brother did exactly the same things and worse, because he moved so much the trace was lost for quite a while and they struggled to find him again (he'd gone from my left right the way over to my right during the trace). It was a very difficult day, and while logically I knew it was because he was moving around, logic doesn't really factor most of the time at the moment.

Today was scan day and he's reached a massive 4lb by latest estimates and doing well! As a surprise my lovely consultant had arranged for us to meet with the neonatal consultant today too, which we'd really been hoping to do, and to visit NICU. The consultant was really straightforward (perhaps a bit much so!), but was happy with the decision to deliver early, though he did keep saying that if I felt I could go longer then I should ask to... . He explained that at 34w he will have similar prognosis stats to a term baby in terms of survival and other issues, though obviously with being early and being a C Section he may need some support with his lungs. He was impressed with the baby's weight though, and we found out that 4lb is the discharge weight in our hospital so we could be on target for a few days' stay, though we are still preparing ourselves for a few weeks' stay if necessary.

The tour of NICU/SCBU was so helpful. The babies in there, most of whom were tinier than your brother already is, were beautiful. The unit itself is quiet and uncrowded and as welcoming as it can be. We were totally reassured by visiting, and were able to ask questions about feeding/preparation etc.

So there we are. A bit further along. It's still hard, it's still getting harder, but there are better times. I hope to bring you your brother in just under 4 weeks now... watch this space.

Mummy x